Do you have a friend who happily agrees to your plans, only to disappear when the time eventually comes? Maybe they flake on you and cancel last minute, or just don't tell you and then ghost you completely. Or just maybe, it's you that sometimes lets people down. What lies behind this reluctance to keep to engagements?
It could be our personality traits. According to psychology professor Richard Koestner, less conscientious or agreeable people tend to have less concern for others and are more likely to overbook themselves socially. While this can be due to bad time management, it can also be because people are afraid of confrontation and saying no to their friends, so end up agreeing to things that they don't really want to do.
Technology could be another factor behind people's willingness to back out of social commitments. Firstly, being able to cancel plans with a simple text message or pressing a 'not attending' button on an invitation, rather than doing it face-to-face or through an awkward phone call, is a much more frictionless way to say you have changed your mind. On top of this, people have become used to the instant gratification offered by social media and streaming platforms. Does this make real-life interaction seem mundane and arduous by comparison? Could it be generational? A 2017 study found that 45% of American millennials saw nothing wrong with withdrawing from social arrangements. Older generations were less likely to pull out of events that they had been invited to.
Whatever lies behind it, psychologists have advice for us. Kurt Gray from the University of North Carolina recommends a simple phone call to reinforce human connection. Andrea Bonior from Georgetown University tells us to gently let our friends know that being let down disrupts us and makes us feel less valued. Caution is important though. Life coach Kira Asatryan reminds us that sometime people withdraw, not out of disrespect, but because they themselves feel anxious, stressed or sad.
你是否有这样一个朋友,他欣然同意你的计划,但当约定的时间最终到来时却消失不见了?也许他们放你鸽子,在最后一刻取消安排,或者干脆不告诉你,然后彻底玩消失。又或者,有时候让别人失望的那个人正是你自己。这种不愿遵守约定的行为背后隐藏着什么原因呢?
这可能与我们的个性特点有关。心理学教授理查德・克斯特纳表示,尽责性较低或随和性较差的人往往不太在意他人,而且更有可能在社交方面给自己安排过多的活动。虽然这可能是由于时间管理不善,但也可能是因为人们害怕发生冲突,不敢对朋友说 “不”,所以最终答应了一些自己并不真正想做的事情。
科技也可能是导致人们轻易放弃社交约定的另一个因素。首先,只需发送一条简单的短信,或者在邀请函上点击 “不参加” 按钮就能取消计划,而无需面对面沟通或打一通尴尬的电话,这种方式让人们更轻松地表达自己改变了主意。除此之外,人们已经习惯了社交媒体和流媒体平台所带来的即时满足感。相比之下,这是否会让现实生活中的人际交往显得平淡乏味且费力呢?这会是代际差异造成的吗?2017 年的一项研究发现,45% 的美国千禧一代认为退出社交活动并没有什么错。而老一辈人不太可能退出自己受邀参加的活动。
无论背后的原因是什么,心理学家都能为我们提供一些建议。北卡罗来纳大学的库尔特・格雷建议打一个简单的电话来加强人与人之间的联系。乔治敦大学的安德里亚・博尼奥尔告诉我们,要温和地让朋友知道,被放鸽子会扰乱我们的生活,让我们觉得自己没有受到重视。不过,谨慎行事也很重要。人生规划师基拉・阿萨特里安提醒我们,有时候人们退出社交活动,并非出于不尊重,而是因为他们自己感到焦虑、有压力或情绪低落。
词汇表
flake on someone 放弃遵守与某人的约定
last minute 最后一刻
ghost 突然消失,不再联系(某人)
keep to 遵守,坚持
engagement 约定,约会
personality trait 人格特质
conscientious 认真自觉的
agreeable 随和的
overbook 做出过多的约定
time management 时间管理
confrontation 争执,冲突
back out 食言,变卦
social commitment 社交活动
frictionless 没有摩擦的,顺畅的
instant gratification 即时满足
mundane 平平无奇的,稀松平常的
arduous 艰难的,费力的
generational 代际的,代与代之间的
withdraw 放弃,退出
human connection 人与人之间的联系