中午，我们在单位食堂吃饭，主菜中有油炸鱼，此女双手齐施，吃得不亦乐乎。随后她发现双手沾满油腻，就伸到对面正在吃饭一MM面前说：“姐姐你看我的手~~”可怜这位正在吃饭的女生差点没喷出来。随后此女似觉意犹未尽，又把手指伸到邻桌一30多岁男同事面前说：“来，舔舔~~”四座皆寒。 

上班时，众人私聊。说到古时以何种标准为美，此女突发言道：“前一阵我看电视，里面有个古时候王妃的尸体，被科学家还原之后可漂亮了。像山顶洞人。”众人喷血道：“那不是跟猴子一样吗？”MM眨眨眼，说道：“是啊，猴子不好看吗？我最喜欢了。还有猪，猪也好看。”一男子不禁问道：“难道你找男朋友也是这个标准啊？又像猪又像猴的……难道是传说中的猪猴？猪猴是怎么来的啊？”此MM沉思一番后，冷静地说道：“可能是猪强 J了猴子……”…………真不知道她男朋友听她这么形容自己，会作 

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep,   and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
       "I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
       "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
       "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."


Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
     Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?
" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
     "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
     "Thanks be to..."
     Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
     holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
     "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"


Where is the father?
        Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
        "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
        "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
        The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."


Does the dog know the proverb,   too?
        The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
        "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
        "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"


Only cash and credit cards
        When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for
     a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and   number of people.
        " Do you take children?" the man asked.
        "No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."


A Smart Housewife.
     A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"


When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
     "Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
     "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"


THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."

One Engine Left
     A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r
esult."
     Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
     At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"


The doctor lives downstairs
     "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
     He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."


Which woman?
     One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
     On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
     My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"


Advice for "Kid"
     A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."