written by @蚊蚊Schumi
Big Boy
“Daddy would’ve said yes…”
She froze, looked down at her son Daniel who just turned
five three weeks ago. She forced a smile at the little guy who’s pouting his
mouth whining on her knees, looking extremely unsatisfied.
“That’s how things were while I was at work huh?”
She sighed, landed her hand on the top of his head—he’s got
his father’s hair.
“Another 30 minutes before going to bed then.”
Daniel ran back to his toy box with joy after he got his
way. There’s a transformers toy she got for him as a birthday gift. Grief
nearly smothered her as she watched her son went away, she got off the couch
and went into the bedroom. Never fall apart in front of him—she needs to remind
herself several times a day since that afternoon when she saw his panicking
eyes. What could you expect from a four-year-old? How could he possibly
understand those words from the men in whites and the deep sorrow on everyone’s
face? She had to lower herself and pull him in, whisper softly into his ear
that everything’s gonna be fine.
She closed the bedroom door behind her; nothing has changed
in this room, nothing except his absence. Lanie suggested a little change of
the room would help her to move on, she refused. Everything related to him is disappearing,
his passport, cell phone number, bank account… she wouldn’t let their bedroom
disappear too. The one place which is about them, them only.
So let it remain the same. His cloths folded inside the drawers,
his purse, keys are laying on the night stand. She can still catch the scent of
his cologne in the air, as if he’s still here.
But he’s gone. She hears his laugh when she put on his
shirt, sees his smile when she closed her eyes, and while she showers, she can
feel him putting his strong arms around her. None of those are real anymore.
Eyes open and she’s standing alone in the room.
Death came to her mind once. She bought a bottle of whiskey
and a handful of Ambien, drove to a quiet neighborhood wishing to follow her
man. That’s when she saw a couple of kids at Daniel’s age chasing each other
down the street. The image of her son wiped the idea off her head. The boy
looks so much like his father, the blue eyes and brown hair, even the same
smile which would lighten her day. He always says that he wants to be a writer
just like him when he grows up, she has to bite down the tears every time she
hears it. She can’t even let him see her cry, how can she let him lose his
mother too?
She threw the bottle into the Hudson River and drove home
She bought him ice-cream on the way back home and watched
him smeared it all over his face. Upon his smiley face she realized how selfish
Big Boy
“Daddy would’ve said yes…”
She froze, looked down at her son Daniel who just turned
five three weeks ago. She forced a smile at the little guy who’s pouting his
mouth whining on her knees, looking extremely unsatisfied.
“That’s how things were while I was at work huh?”
She sighed, landed her hand on the top of his head—he’s got
his father’s hair.
“Another 30 minutes before going to bed then.”
Daniel ran back to his toy box with joy after he got his
way. There’s a transformers toy she got for him as a birthday gift. Grief
nearly smothered her as she watched her son went away, she got off the couch
and went into the bedroom. Never fall apart in front of him—she needs to remind
herself several times a day since that afternoon when she saw his panicking
eyes. What could you expect from a four-year-old? How could he possibly
understand those words from the men in whites and the deep sorrow on everyone’s
face? She had to lower herself and pull him in, whisper softly into his ear
that everything’s gonna be fine.
She closed the bedroom door behind her; nothing has changed
in this room, nothing except his absence. Lanie suggested a little change of
the room would help her to move on, she refused. Everything related to him is disappearing,
his passport, cell phone number, bank account… she wouldn’t let their bedroom
disappear too. The one place which is about them, them only.
So let it remain the same. His cloths folded inside the drawers,
his purse, keys are laying on the night stand. She can still catch the scent of
his cologne in the air, as if he’s still here.
But he’s gone. She hears his laugh when she put on his
shirt, sees his smile when she closed her eyes, and while she showers, she can
feel him putting his strong arms around her. None of those are real anymore.
Eyes open and she’s standing alone in the room.
Death came to her mind once. She bought a bottle of whiskey
and a handful of Ambien, drove to a quiet neighborhood wishing to follow her
man. That’s when she saw a couple of kids at Daniel’s age chasing each other
down the street. The image of her son wiped the idea off her head. The boy
looks so much like his father, the blue eyes and brown hair, even the same
smile which would lighten her day. He always says that he wants to be a writer
just like him when he grows up, she has to bite down the tears every time she
hears it. She can’t even let him see her cry, how can she let him lose his
mother too?
She threw the bottle into the Hudson River and drove home
She bought him ice-cream on the way back home and watched
him smeared it all over his face. Upon his smiley face she realized how selfish
