I Do Not Know Who I Am
My name is… I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. They call me Ella. I guess that must be my name then. It’s hard for me to remember who I am, but every time when I see her face on TV, talk to her, or think of her, I know who I am. Jiahua, I am her Jiahua. I am nobody without her.
She’s like an angel. I love her voice. I get high when I hear her sing. Her name is Hebe. I wish she belongs to me so that I can just hold her in my arms and hear her sing just for me only. Sometimes I wish I can do whatever I want to her. I don’t have to care about how others look at us. I don’t have to care about our families, our friends, matter of fact, anybody else. I wish we can just be with each other. I can only wish…
The truth is, we have been known each other for years. She is my “co-worker”. Ya I know, just co-workers right? That's nothing. We can be together if we are only the “normal” co-workers. We are not. We are members of the famous girl group in Taiwan. People call us “S.H.E”. I don’t even want to talk about how well-known we are. You can just google us. Heehee…. Yet believe it or not, I wish we are not famous at all.
She used to be my girlfriend. At one point, I was ready to give her my last name. Maybe I did. Somewhere deep in my heart I have given her my name, my everything. She has it all. That's why I can only find myself when I’m with her. The sad story is, nothing goes as we planned.
I have a boyfriend now. haha. You must think I am crazy. I think I am. I am still madly in love with her, yet I have a boyfriend. Before you judge me, let me tell you what happened on that day when Hebe heard about me and him.
“Maybe he’s the one for you, Jiahua.” She said. I couldn’t imagine how she must felt at that moment. I just looked at her in disbelieve. “I can tell you are happy when you are with him.” She went on with a blank face.
“You know I…, I just want to be with you.” I stared at her, trying to spot any excitement in her eyes. Nothing.
“I loved you. I am still in love with you. And I will love you till the day I die. But…” she turned her head before I caught the changes on her face. “We both know it’s impossible.”
“So this is it?” I asked.
“Jiahua, Love is not everything for us.”
“So you are just gonna throw me away like this? Throw your Jiahua away?” I tried to hold her. We were not standing too far from each other, but I couldn’t reach her. It was like she has left. She left me alone in this time and space. “Hebe!” I got scared suddenly, so I yelled.
“Jiahua. I’m not going anywhere.” She turned to me again. Tears, on her face. So surreal.
“Don’t…” I beg her.
“You know this is the right the thing to do.” She smiled at me, while lifting her hand wiped her tears away.
“Why do you have to always be so rational all the time!” I tried, I really tried. But it’s just so hard for me to keep my voice down. I looked at her with all the anger in my chest. Forgot I was the one who introduced the third person into our world.
“cuz you are always so emotional,” Hebe was still smiling, “at least one of us has to be smart right?”
That was the day I start to have a hard time to remember who I am. Being Ella, I did a good job. I laughed so hard in front of others. I made lots of jokes in front of all the media. Being Ella, I became a lot like a girl with a boyfriend. I wear long dresses. I wear high hills. My image to others has always been the “crazy hyper one”. Now I have extended that image to an extreme. I would do whatever I can to make others laugh. Being Ella, I am not Jiahua anymore. Someone’s Jiahua has that lovely girl in the heart. I don’t. But… I am Jiahua. I am Ella. Ella is Jiahua.
….
Don’t ask me. I lost my train of thoughts too. I do not know who I am.
Hebe is still here. Like she said, she is not going anywhere. I see her quite often. Every time, I try to look for Jiahua in her eyes, all I see is just that warm, peaceful, gentle stare. Instant, I found myself in those eyes.
When I’m not with her, I can only try to remember “Jiahua”. Is that me?
Call me pathetic, sometimes I think time is the only thing I share with her now. I wish I can drown in time. The only thing we share….
I hear she sings…
-There is a watch on the ground. The cover is broken. Time is pouring out.
-It went over your ankle, your leg, your waist
-It went over your shoulders
-Your neck, your ears, the top of your nose.
My name is… I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. They call me Ella. I guess that must be my name then. It’s hard for me to remember who I am, but every time when I see her face on TV, talk to her, or think of her, I know who I am. Jiahua, I am her Jiahua. I am nobody without her.
She’s like an angel. I love her voice. I get high when I hear her sing. Her name is Hebe. I wish she belongs to me so that I can just hold her in my arms and hear her sing just for me only. Sometimes I wish I can do whatever I want to her. I don’t have to care about how others look at us. I don’t have to care about our families, our friends, matter of fact, anybody else. I wish we can just be with each other. I can only wish…
The truth is, we have been known each other for years. She is my “co-worker”. Ya I know, just co-workers right? That's nothing. We can be together if we are only the “normal” co-workers. We are not. We are members of the famous girl group in Taiwan. People call us “S.H.E”. I don’t even want to talk about how well-known we are. You can just google us. Heehee…. Yet believe it or not, I wish we are not famous at all.
She used to be my girlfriend. At one point, I was ready to give her my last name. Maybe I did. Somewhere deep in my heart I have given her my name, my everything. She has it all. That's why I can only find myself when I’m with her. The sad story is, nothing goes as we planned.
I have a boyfriend now. haha. You must think I am crazy. I think I am. I am still madly in love with her, yet I have a boyfriend. Before you judge me, let me tell you what happened on that day when Hebe heard about me and him.
“Maybe he’s the one for you, Jiahua.” She said. I couldn’t imagine how she must felt at that moment. I just looked at her in disbelieve. “I can tell you are happy when you are with him.” She went on with a blank face.
“You know I…, I just want to be with you.” I stared at her, trying to spot any excitement in her eyes. Nothing.
“I loved you. I am still in love with you. And I will love you till the day I die. But…” she turned her head before I caught the changes on her face. “We both know it’s impossible.”
“So this is it?” I asked.
“Jiahua, Love is not everything for us.”
“So you are just gonna throw me away like this? Throw your Jiahua away?” I tried to hold her. We were not standing too far from each other, but I couldn’t reach her. It was like she has left. She left me alone in this time and space. “Hebe!” I got scared suddenly, so I yelled.
“Jiahua. I’m not going anywhere.” She turned to me again. Tears, on her face. So surreal.
“Don’t…” I beg her.
“You know this is the right the thing to do.” She smiled at me, while lifting her hand wiped her tears away.
“Why do you have to always be so rational all the time!” I tried, I really tried. But it’s just so hard for me to keep my voice down. I looked at her with all the anger in my chest. Forgot I was the one who introduced the third person into our world.
“cuz you are always so emotional,” Hebe was still smiling, “at least one of us has to be smart right?”
That was the day I start to have a hard time to remember who I am. Being Ella, I did a good job. I laughed so hard in front of others. I made lots of jokes in front of all the media. Being Ella, I became a lot like a girl with a boyfriend. I wear long dresses. I wear high hills. My image to others has always been the “crazy hyper one”. Now I have extended that image to an extreme. I would do whatever I can to make others laugh. Being Ella, I am not Jiahua anymore. Someone’s Jiahua has that lovely girl in the heart. I don’t. But… I am Jiahua. I am Ella. Ella is Jiahua.
….
Don’t ask me. I lost my train of thoughts too. I do not know who I am.
Hebe is still here. Like she said, she is not going anywhere. I see her quite often. Every time, I try to look for Jiahua in her eyes, all I see is just that warm, peaceful, gentle stare. Instant, I found myself in those eyes.
When I’m not with her, I can only try to remember “Jiahua”. Is that me?
Call me pathetic, sometimes I think time is the only thing I share with her now. I wish I can drown in time. The only thing we share….
I hear she sings…
-There is a watch on the ground. The cover is broken. Time is pouring out.
-It went over your ankle, your leg, your waist
-It went over your shoulders
-Your neck, your ears, the top of your nose.
